DEFCON 0
by Ashynarr
Summary: America, as many have noted, spends more on his military than the next sixteen countries combined. Why does he do that? Well, the answer might just surprise you… -crack, oneshot, crossover with several popular sci fi franchises. And a dose of AmeCanRus broshipness. Features an alien invasion and lasers. You know you want to read this now.-


DEFCON 0 (Hetalia)

Author: Ashynarr

Summary: America, as many have noted, spends more on his military than the next sixteen countries combined. Why does he do that? Well, the answer might just surprise you...

Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine. None of the other stuff I reference is mine either.

Warning: Crack. Inaccurate interpretation of history and economic spending. References to lots of science fiction. Mostly MIB though. (Also, hinted RusAmeCan because why not? You can pretend they're just close friends if you want, or imagine any combination of the above. Because I care.)

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

America's phone beeped. Ignoring the warning glares from several nearby Nations, he pulled it out, glancing at the message.

He stopped. Read it again. Cursed even as he excused himself from the meeting.

"Alfred, what is so bloody important that you need to leave?" England asked before the superpower rushed out the door.

"Just tell everyone to get inside and stay inside for the rest of the day. Night. Whatever. About twelve hours should be long enough." And with that he was gone.

The Nations spoke amongst themselves, wondering what had cause the sudden outburst and departure of the young Nation. Only Canada and Russia refrained, instead exchanging significant glances.

They were also the only two to not jump in shock when the sirens went off. "Emergency evacuation. The government has just put the nation under DEFCON 0. Everyone please wait for escort to the emergency bunkers."

Everyone stared at each other in horror as the announcement repeated. "DEFCON 0?" France muttered, wide-eyed. "He's never mentioned DEFCON 0... what could be worse than nuclear war?"

"Perhaps we should see?" Russia asked, drawing everyone's attention. "I think getting outside would be our best option."

"But they're asking us to go to a bunker!" Veneziano whined, torn between curiosity and fear. "And what if it's something really bad?"

The ground started shaking, and most of the Nations braced themselves against a table, a wall, or each other until it ended several moments later. Once everyone could walk again, there was a mass exodus of the room as they made their way outside. They stared in shock at the massive... what could only be describe as a laser gun straight out of Hollywood now extended almost a hundred feet out of the ground.

There were screams from people still on the streets, all of them staring up at the sky, which was now filled with alien vessels. The Nation could only gape, unable to comprehend what they were seeing. This type of thing only happened in movies...

...all produced by America.

A charging sound filled the air, and the Nations only thought to look away when the gun began to hum, taking on a bright glow. It was a good thing, because the flash it made when it fired left dark spots on the backs of their eyes, even covered as they were.

There was an explosion overhead, but none of them could see it because the gun was firing again. Several more times it went off, each apparently hitting its target. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the hum slowly faded away as the gun powered down.

They looked around, trying to make sure everyone was alright, before finally looking back up at the now-empty sky.

"...Alfred has a lot to answer for." England finally said, still shell shocked even as the gun slowly pulled back into its hiding spot under the ground.

~0~0~

"...they get past the first line of defense? We designed that satellite grid specifically to catch anything trying to sneak into the solar system without authorization!" America yelled, eye twitching.

The man he was speaking to gave a frustrated sigh. "That's what we're trying to find out, sir. The Nausicaans apparently managed to jam the sensors just long enough to get most of the fleet through."

"With what?" The Nation growled.

"...jam, sir. Or their equivalent, anyway."

There was a long awkward silence. "...I swear to god I am going to find out why the hell our high-end defense system isn't immune to food products, and I will personally fire anyone involved in that small oversight."

An awkward cough. "Sir, you couldn't really expect us to prepare for something so- so ridiculous!"

America just raised an eyebrow. "We're supposed to be prepared for _anything_. Dude, this is the reason we have you around in the first place! You aren't just an intergalactic spaceport, you know!"

"Yes sir, we understand. We've been bogged down lately with that last incident in northern Ontario – apparently some Kzin thought it would be amusing to sneak in off-world wildlife and set them loose in town. We only just finished wiping everyone's memories of the incident and erasing all relevant footage."

The superpower groaned. "Mattie's going to kill me for that..."

"Not as much as I'm going to kill you for not warning us before using the tertiary defense grid." A voice sounded behind him, irritated.

America paled, before turning to see the angry glares of several Nations. "Uh... hi guys..." He waved feebly. To the man beside him he muttered "Who the hell let them in here?"

The agent replied, "Tony, sir. ...he said you'd authorized it."

The superpower sent a glare at his alien friend, who chose that moment to pop up from behind the others. "Tony! The hell, dude? No one was supposed to even know about this place!"

The alien just shrugged, accepting the blue-green drink someone brought him. "Idiot – forgot gun next to meeting building. Everyone knows."

"That's what the escort was supposed to be for!"

"Escort missing. Never came back from mission."

A moment of silence. "...fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." America groaned out, hiding his face in his hands, trying to fight off the growing headache. "Why me?"

"Because you're an idiot." Canada told him plainly.

~0~0~

A half-hour later found everyone back at the meeting room, but this time with America at the podium. He laughed nervously. "So yeah, um... we kinda almost had an alien invasion today. Really sorry about that. Usually the primary grid catches hostiles before they reach the solar system..."

"Usually?" Germany choked out. "This has happened before?"

The superpower shrugged. "You'd be surprised. Usually happens about twice a month. Still trying to get all the details on how these guys got past the first two layers." He perked up suddenly. "At least I was right about the laser grid not overheating. You owe me fifty bucks, Ivan!"

Eyes turned to the northern Nation, who tilted his head. "Fair enough. Perhaps for once your idea wasn't that foolish."

"Wait, Ivan? You're in on this- this-" England couldn't find the right word.

"Conspiracy? Da. What do you think Cold War was for?" Russia asked, amused.

America sighed. "You weren't supposed to mention that. But yeah, the Cold War was an agreement between the United States and the Soviet Union to prepare Earth for potential extra-terrestrial threats by encouraging the development of our space program and weapons programs. Since the only effective way to do that was with a 'war'..."

Unnoticed, Canada was idly fiddling with something in his hands.

The superpower shrugged. "We would've kept on going until everything was complete, but poor luck on his side bankrupted him, so I had to take on the slack myself." He frowned. "Sucked cutting the budgets to everything else, but we needed those defenses complete. And it's a bitch to maintain, too."

"...wait, that's why your military budget is so insanely high?" China asked, wide-eyed.

America nodded. "Duh. What did you think I was spending it on, the army? It takes a shit ton of cash to work in space. Plus keeping an eye on all the off-world immigrants, keeping everything out of the media, and all that jazz."

"Bloody hell, why didn't you tell us sooner? We could have helped!" England groused, frowning.

America shrugged. "The fewer governments involved, the easier it is to keep the whole thing secret. I think a lot of people would notice if almost every government in the world suddenly started spending a lot more on their 'military' while mine suddenly goes down."

"We can make excuses-"

"Excuse me everyone." Canada spoke up, drawing everyone's attention to the quiet Nation. He had sunglasses on, and a weird rod in his hands. No one noticed America and Russia covering their eyes, because suddenly the room flashed red, and almost everyone sat dazedly in their seats, minds temporarily vacant.

America sighed. "Alright, it was a normal meeting. Nothing got done because France and England got into another fight that everyone watched instead of stopping it. Eventually Germany broke it up and yelled at you, before giving the podium to me."

Everyone blinked in unison, before a sour look crossed England's face. "Damn frog..."

France just winked. "Ah, but you enjoy our little spats!"

Germany groaned. "America, please just say what you wanted to tell us."

America grinned winningly. "Of course! I declare this meeting over! C'mon dudes, the hero is hungry!"

The Nations packed up, still laughing as cash exchanged hands over the bet that hadn't existed until thirty second ago. Russia and Canada moved to stand beside the superpower as everyone trailed out.

"That was a close one. Thank god you remembered your neuralyzer, Mattie." The southern twin commented, relief evident on his face.

Canada grinned, punching his twin lightly in the shoulder. "I always have it on me. How do you think I keep people from wondering why I have a talking polar bear?"

"I think the guys should be done with the mass wipe by now. I just hope they manage to pull all the footage in time." The superpower muttered to no one in particular.

Russia clapped both of them on the shoulders. "I believe I owe Alfred cash – perhaps dinner would suffice instead?"

America laughed. "Only if it's Earth food. I remember where you took us last time – still trying to figure out how you ate all that Twi'lek food without throwing up."

The older Nation smiled, idly waving a small bottle of vodka. "One can eat anything if bolstered with enough water."

"Should've known, you tricky bastard!" The three laughed on their way out, things once again normal in the world.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

AN: ...yeah. Totally the truth. We 'waste' all our money because we really have an advanced anti-alien invasion defense grid. Yes. It takes a lot of cash to maintain it and upgrade it, you know. But you'll thank us when the aliens come, oh yes. And Canada and Russia are in on it too.

I have no idea where this came from. I should be working on Hero Training. But no, instead I must write about aliens. And science fiction. And government conspiracies. Because why not. Let's see how many series you can spot!

(I'ma try to get back to the other story now... maybe... possibly...)


End file.
